Spur of the moment

Well... Today my roommate left... He was re-classed to a job that trains at another base... It's kinda weird... He got here before me and he left before me though our situations are very similar...

It bothers me a little cause I know what's in store for me. Well I kinda do. My re-class can uproot me from here and start me over somewhere completely new. Does that bother me? Not really... I think I've done plenty in my 6+ month stay here. It's so awkward for me to tell people I've been here so long and yet I kinda have nothing to show for it. So I've reserved myself to fall back into the shadows. I feel like my time here automatically dictates me a leader, to show the newbies what's right and wrong and how to handle everything here. Yet, I'll be sad to have to go somewhere else and start over.

Tonight was very interesting. It started out pretty normal and could have become "fun", yet I threw on the brakes. I don't know what it is about me. I would consider myself pretty frustrated at my lack of social outings, and therefore more likely to accept anything from anyone; yet I turned down another opportunity to go out and enjoy myself. Instead I stayed in and did calculus. At one point I thought that I was fishing for some sort of pity from people who walked by. but the more and more people that passed (some stopping to chat, others completely oblivious) the more I came to understand that I don't like where I am, because of my limitations and my access to things. I now understand how she can shut herself away in her room and not care about what goes on outside.

I differ though. I don't think I'll be ok with just not associating with people because they're stupid. However, it's interesting. whenever I venture out to socialise, I wind up losing money then when I hang out alone or meet up randomly. So I don't know whether I should continue my hunt for the "perfect girl" or just let that quest go for now. It's rather daunting to think that for all my attractedness will be put on hold because I don't want to waste money or time. I lack self control and the only way to gain it is to test it.

Interestingly enough, I've noticed that some things have been changing for me over the last few days. I've been waking up when I need to. I find it easier to work during the days, and doing the right thing isn't a choice so much as it is a secondary nature type thing. It make me wonder if this writing is somehow relieving the pressure on my mind so that I can focus on the things that actually matter.

Tomorrow, I'll try to find her, though I doubt she'll allow me to. Obviously I need contact more than people need my contact and though I recognise that fact, I still try to reach out more than necessary. The paradox is that when I become more reserved, I always get bum rushed by people who feel that, I'm not acting like my usual happy self. Honestly, all I want in life is someone who gets me. Not related, not a good friend, preferably a girlfriend.

but isn't that what everyone wants (gender specific to whatever individual reads this)?
night world