Spur of the moment

Well... Today my roommate left... He was re-classed to a job that trains at another base... It's kinda weird... He got here before me and he left before me though our situations are very similar...

It bothers me a little cause I know what's in store for me. Well I kinda do. My re-class can uproot me from here and start me over somewhere completely new. Does that bother me? Not really... I think I've done plenty in my 6+ month stay here. It's so awkward for me to tell people I've been here so long and yet I kinda have nothing to show for it. So I've reserved myself to fall back into the shadows. I feel like my time here automatically dictates me a leader, to show the newbies what's right and wrong and how to handle everything here. Yet, I'll be sad to have to go somewhere else and start over.

Tonight was very interesting. It started out pretty normal and could have become "fun", yet I threw on the brakes. I don't know what it is about me. I would consider myself pretty frustrated at my lack of social outings, and therefore more likely to accept anything from anyone; yet I turned down another opportunity to go out and enjoy myself. Instead I stayed in and did calculus. At one point I thought that I was fishing for some sort of pity from people who walked by. but the more and more people that passed (some stopping to chat, others completely oblivious) the more I came to understand that I don't like where I am, because of my limitations and my access to things. I now understand how she can shut herself away in her room and not care about what goes on outside.

I differ though. I don't think I'll be ok with just not associating with people because they're stupid. However, it's interesting. whenever I venture out to socialise, I wind up losing money then when I hang out alone or meet up randomly. So I don't know whether I should continue my hunt for the "perfect girl" or just let that quest go for now. It's rather daunting to think that for all my attractedness will be put on hold because I don't want to waste money or time. I lack self control and the only way to gain it is to test it.

Interestingly enough, I've noticed that some things have been changing for me over the last few days. I've been waking up when I need to. I find it easier to work during the days, and doing the right thing isn't a choice so much as it is a secondary nature type thing. It make me wonder if this writing is somehow relieving the pressure on my mind so that I can focus on the things that actually matter.

Tomorrow, I'll try to find her, though I doubt she'll allow me to. Obviously I need contact more than people need my contact and though I recognise that fact, I still try to reach out more than necessary. The paradox is that when I become more reserved, I always get bum rushed by people who feel that, I'm not acting like my usual happy self. Honestly, all I want in life is someone who gets me. Not related, not a good friend, preferably a girlfriend.

but isn't that what everyone wants (gender specific to whatever individual reads this)?
night world

Before the Sun

So I never understood why there was a reason to get up early... I mean in basic training one of the key elements to getting up early was that most people will say there was no way that we'd be able to do all of the things that we did on a daily basis. However with the guidance of your instructor, you would be able to see that everything over the course of the day and be impressed that getting up earlier allowed you to accomplish so much.

But the problem comes in the fact that when you reach Tech School, there are not the same list of things to do everyday. Why is it necessary then to still get up early? Sense of habit? No... That's why some people are still late... Does it serve as a form of discipline to those who lack it? As an expert in that field, I'll say it only really matters when you are punished. And in further response, I'll add that it only makes someone resistant to change formulate ways around getting caught.

So in the end what does waking up early actually do for us? I'm still not sure at this stage... But I do know that I woke myself up this morning for the first time in a long time... and I want it to be like this every morning. So I'm going to start sleeping earlier and earlier until I find that happy medium where I can get up for PT without delay and make it to formation without rushing...

ah well... time to get going for the day... Morning World

USAF Man o' mystery

So I'm in the Air Force... I'm 21 years old and I've just been given the chance of a lifetime. I went from being scared shitless about being kicked out to doing projects for my flight chief in civilian clothes during the duty day... How's that for turnaround?

Now I'm more perplexed... I like this chick... Well I like a couple of chicks actually... And I don't mean to disrespect them by calling them chicks (especially with the types of words used nowadays) but it protects their anonymity. Here's my problem: How do you date someone who: a) is so worried about things around her despite your best efforts to calm her b) is completely what you want in a girl yet prolly will never see guys as an option (Not a lesbian but just not into dudes (maybe it's just me ^_^;;)) c) just enjoys running you in circles so that she feels like she has some control over you. My current solutions have been a1) after trying to crack the shell once more, moderately ignoring b2) becoming unsure of who I am around her c3) not giving the satisfaction of pulling me around.

The problems as I see it with these "solutions" is that despite this shameless plug for a relationship, I'm not going to be able to salvage anyone. I can't put a move on girl A also because she is so worried about someone else seeing. Girl B is... hard to pinpoint and so I'll leave her in limbo and remain a friend until such time she sees fit to be interested in boys (thought that woulda happened by now). Girl C annoys and intrigues me. My last girlfriend was a complete bitch (even though I am still friends with her, that's just her MO, had nothing to do with me). I don't want Girl C to turn into her. But if I continue to be nice and sweet, I can see her dark side developing into a conniving, vicious, body stealer...

Oh well... nough about that... I've started reading...er working in two books... Mathematical Ideas and College Physics. It's rather refreshing to be using my brain again... and not trying to deal with common sense shit like ATC... Ok... ATC is hard a shit and you need to be smart to do it... but I can't deal with that kinda stress... it's rather nerve wracking and with a track record like mine, I would not like to be placed in a field where mistakes aren't allowed... It's bad enough my smoking is increasing to 4-5 cigs a day... If I was working in the career field I'm sure I'd be going through a 2-3 packs a week. No I think I'll try linguist. I love languages and that's one of the few fields that I actually enjoyed working in.

*sigh*... I need to be up tomorrow around 5... I should sleep now and type more later... night world